Over the past 7 years I have tried and failed miserably at trying to meet another long-term partner.  Lately though, I noticed I’m not alone in my pursuit of another long-term loving relationship with not so long-term results.

You see, I’m part of a single mums and dads Facebook group and there seems to be a common thread amongst us ‘Divorcees’, in particular those who are raising their children on their own fulltime.  It is not uncommon, in particular to see the women beating themselves up about not meeting someone for years.  Often these comments are followed by “I’m scared of messing up another relationship” closely followed by “I just can’t find anyone decent”.  Believe me, I can completely relate to these sentiments.  After Divorce railroaded my life for nearly 5 years, I’m certainly in no hurry to repeat that exercise again.

But this got me thinking, how can you make sure you get it right second time around.  After all, the statistics for failed marriages is actually higher than first marriages.  WTF?  You’d think people would learn from their mistakes the first time but apparently not.

So here is what I think you should be on the look out for when you think you’ve met that special someone again:

• When out on a date, watch how they treat the waitstaff and others around you. Wanting to impress you, they will surely treat you right, but their default personality will show in how they treat others.  As you get more comfortable in a relationship, they will most likely default to treating you how they usually treat others.  Things to watch for: Are they polite to the waitstaff?  Do they use their name, say please and thank you?  Do they offer you to order first?
• Ladies, if a man asks you out and makes no attempt to offer to pay, DO NOT, I repeat do not go on a second date. I know there’s a few women out there who will disagree with me here, but when a man asks you out and offers to pay, what he is paying for is the privilege of your time.  If he is too stingy to pay on a first date, then chances are he’s going to be stingy your entire relationship.  There will be plenty of time for you to go Dutch when you’re actually in a relationship.
• Pay close attention to how they talk about their Ex and how much they talk about their Ex. If conversation is dominated by talk of the Ex or talk derogatively about their Ex, be wary, clearly they’ve not unpacked baggage from their past relationship.  This also goes for yourself, if you find you’re bringing up your Ex all the time, then maybe you’re the one who’s not ready.
• Are their words congruent with their actions? Do they act with Integrity or do they say one thing and do another?
• When you get to the stage of introducing them to your kids, watch how they interact with your kids or other people’s children. Do they make the effort to do stuff with your kids?  Are they polite, considerate, understanding and patient with them?  Or do they always want to do stuff without the kids or get upset because the kids are around?  Remember if you’re a single parent, you’re a package deal.
• Take note of how they make you feel and follow your intuition. If they are ticking all the right boxes but your gut is telling you something isn’t quite right, follow that gut feeling.  Intuition is your internal guidance system trying to warn you when something is not quite right so listen to it.

Lastly, I’d like to wish you all the best in future endeavours to find love and remember, different people bring out the best (and sometimes worst) in others so don’t judge a person based on their past.  Like the Share market, past performance is no indication of future performance.

When my marriage fell apart, after the initial shock, my first thoughts were “I get a second chance to be happy” and “Crap, I better go back and get that degree I quit if I’m to raise my kids for the next 15 years”.

At the time, my boys were 19 months and 3 years old and I was in a well paid part-time temp job in Brisbane.  But as my ex had just announced he was relocating to Perth and we had no family in Brisbane, I had no choice but to move back in with Mum and Dad, who were located in North Queensland.  I was fortunate enough to be offered a fulltime job in the Townsville branch of the company I had been working part-time for in Brisbane.  However, as I was already bored in that job, the thought of doing it full time and having to put the kids into fulltime daycare did not excite me, so I decided to go back to University to finish that degree I had started 20 years previously.  Leading me to my next challenge, how does one subsist on government benefits alone while trying to raise two kids, re-educate myself, pay for lawyers and have a life.  I learned very quickly it all came down to asking the right person the right questions.

This is what I learned:

Studying with kids as a single parent is hard.  Even harder if you have them fulltime like I did.  You need to treat your studies like a full time job.  If you’re trying to juggle kids, working and study, it’s likely that one of them is going to drop at some stage.

If you have to work due to financial pressures, look into all avenues for financial assistance or re-work your budget.  I found menu-planning and most recently online grocery shopping can save you hundreds of dollars each year by helping you stick to your budget.

Financial assistance is available for single parents to re-educate themselves in the form of Centrelink Pensioner Education Supplements and subsidised childcare through the Jobs, Education and Training Child Care Fee assistance (JET) program.

Universities have various Grants to assist in paying for books, living expenses and tuition.  Check their websites for more details.  You can also defer your tuition fees through HECS-HELP or VET FEE-HELP.  See StudyAssist.gov.au for more information.

Smith Family/ANZ Saver Plus Program – this is a 10 month financial education and matched savings program that assists families to gain financial skills, establish a savings goal and develop long term saving habits.  The matched funding can be used for educational costs such as computers and tablets, text books and uniforms.  I funded my 2^nd year books through this program.

When it comes to property settlement matters with the ex – try to negotiate more support whilst you are studying to allow you to do it fulltime.  Lawyers get you caught up on percentages and eagerly tell mothers (in particular) they are entitled to a higher percentage if not working.  But instead of percentages of the property pool, think strategically like exchanging 5% of the property pool if the ex will pay 75% of school fees, books, uniforms and sports while you are at university and the first year you are back at work instead of 50/50.

Re-educating yourself post separation can make the world of difference to your self-esteem and career prospects.

So what are you waiting for?  Check out your options today!